Detention

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Turtle:

 

I kind of look like a turtle, don’t I?

 

It’s okay, you can tell me, Emma. It’s no big deal. As of today, I decided it’s no big deal.

 

Just like it’s no big deal that you don’t like to talk in class. And it’s no big deal that Jason can’t do math. And it’s no big deal that we’re probably going to sit in detention after school today. It’s just NO BIG DEAL.

 

They can’t touch me. Any of them.

 

I don’t mean that in a bad way.

 

I just mean that you can decide that you’re immune to adults if you want.

 

I mean, I’ll be an adult someday. All I have to do is not die and I’ll become an adult. I can flunk out of school, go to jail, push my grandmother into traffic. Doesn’t matter. It’ll just happen.

 

So what I’m saying is, so what if an adult yells at me, or tells me I’m a screw-up, or sends me to detention, see what I mean? They’re not smarter than us. They’re not better than us. They’re just older than us. They could have spent their lives locked in a janitor’s closet, came out and started yelling.

 

Sometimes I think that’s all adults do it yell.

 

I know I’ll never look at kids the way Mr. Bernice looks at me.

 

Like, why are you and I even in the same space together? I’m an adult and you’re a kid.

 

Why is that guy in a profession that involves kids?

 

Did no one tell him that schools involved kids? Running down halls, shooting hoops, eating crappy cafeteria food? Did no one ever inform him?

 

Shouldn’t you do something you like for a living instead of something that makes everyone else miserable? Isn’t that the point of growing up?  

 

I was looking around in that meeting with our teachers today.

 

And I realized that every adult in that room was trying to look like something other than they were.

 

Ms. Glazier with her print pants that squash her stomach in.

 

Mr. Tomlinson with his combover.

 

And Mr. Bernice. Jesus, will he never shut up about being in the army? Every school meeting, it’s when I was in the army…we got up at 4… walked 40 kliks to the DMZ…and on and on.

 

You know what he did in Iraq? For real? My uncle knew him over there and he told me.

 

He delivered toilet paper to the front lines. That’s all he did in the army. They called him Shit Paper Pete. So yeah, those were his glory days.

 

It’s bullshit. Being an adult. I mean I’m sorry and all but if that’s what’s in store for me then no thanks, forget it, you know, Emma? I’m going to go live in Africa or something.

 

Go somewhere no one knows me and there are no mirrors.

 

I don’t want to have to look at myself anymore. That’s all people do is look at themselves. Pictures, videos, mirrors. My phone. My webpage. My space. My stuff. My world. Me. It’s enough, right?

 

I mean I read somewhere that mirrors weren’t even a thing until a few hundred years ago. Till then, no one had any idea how they looked. You could look in a lake and stare at yourself but if a gentle breeze blew by it was all over. The only way we knew what we looked like was how people reacted to us. That’s it. Like how they say, “You’ve got some spinach on your teeth.” That’s the only way people knew what they looked like.

 

And it was better that way, right?

 

So I decided, just now, right now, that I just look like a turtle. That’s the truth and everyone else is going to have to deal with that.

 

So listen…if no one’s asked you yet, this turtle-looking kid would really like to take you out sometime. I think we might have a great time together.